I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
