At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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