I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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