Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
