I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
