I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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