I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
