from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
