My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
