he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
