I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
