saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
