I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
