nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
