I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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