My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Is it penis luge time yet?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
