this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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