My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
