I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
