The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
