If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
