there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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