My first STD was from a foam party
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
