I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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