If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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