I looked at my own cervix.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
