you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
