Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
