I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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