I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
