She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
