there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
