I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
