I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
