Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
