There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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