pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
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Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
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Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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