i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
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Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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