forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
