I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
