all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
God, I missed his penis.
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