I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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