When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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