I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
