This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
