Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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