he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
