I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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