im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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