I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
