Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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