They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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