if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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