What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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