What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
