I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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