if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
