her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
