Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
